Possibly. Maybe? Oneday...

This is my creepy honest blog, where I try to be 100% honest with myself. The only person who has access to it (that I know of, anyway), is Sarah - even then, I'm not sure she looks. Still, I have to admit to myself (in a very quiet, tentative tone) - it does hurt a little. There we go, admitted. What the hell am I on about? Well - I've been curious. And they do say curiousity killed the cat - but it can also make you feel things you don't want to feel. I admit - I looked at Nicole's profile, and I have done on a few occasions. Because I can. Because I was curious - not in a bitter, nasty, lets-look-for-flaws kind of way. In all honesty, in a good curious way. To see how things are now, and because I don't know - I was bloody curious, alright? Sheesh, talk about third degree! So yeah. I look. She seems like a nice enough person. But yesterday I looked, and I saw Maiya's 1st birthday photos. I've seen photos of her before and not felt this. But yesterday, I felt... so sad. For me. Time just seems to fly by so fast, and I've been trying for a baby since January... the year is almost up. No baby. One pregnancy resulting in miscarriage (blighted ovum). At least I know I can get pregnant, right? Ha. It's a small consolation. Because I'm not pregnant. I got pregnant before Jodi, and just as she finds out she's pregnant, I'm told I've lost mine. Or, rather, that it never developed. I don't resent Jodi. I don't even feel jealous/envious or any of those nasty, bad-tasting emotions. I just feel sad. For me. Happy for Jodi, so so happy they're going to get the wee boy (BIG boy!) they wanted, but... sad for me. Not that Adrian and I have really tried all that hard - we've just been going about things naturally, having sex when we want to, not pushing the issue like we did before (it seems the best way to get pregnant), but now I'm at my limit with the cruisy method. I want to get pregnant NOW, I want THIS month to be THE month. I wanted last month to be the month, too - and I had convinced myself as much - to the point where I bought a test and everything! But, right on cue - ... suffice to say, I'm pretty certain it wasn't implantation bleeding. Although this period has been a weird one - really light, but unfortunately not light enough to warrant wasting a $20 test. *sigh* I just wish Adrian was a little more supportive about it. Him and his fucking vices, seriously - I wonder some times if it's always going to be like this, constantly having to nag him to get things done. I'm hoping once Nijel moves out, Adrian won't be so bad. His bachelor status will have been revoked for good, and he'll HAVE to settle down and be responsible. Oh, honestly - he's not that bad. He's actually pretty wonderful, and I love him so very very much... but I hate having to push him to get things done. Like that fucking oven... grrrrr.... *sigh* I get through each day by telling myself one day... one day...
One day soon? Possibly. Maybe, even. But one day, for sure.

Just looking at those photos... it did hurt. She's beautiful. And quite precious. Those angry, bitter feelings of why him and not me don't really happen anymore, but I have to admit there is a barely audible whisper floating around. It just doesn't seem quite right, does it? After everything, after all the tears, the pain, the anger. But at the same time, I wish him well. Or do I? Is that just something I feel I *should* say in order to be a good person? Would it make me a bad person to say I've often wished that everything will go horribly wrong - like, Nicole will cheat on him and leave him with a baby to tend for? Or that he'll fuck up again and she'll take the baby and leave him? I don't have those feelings anymore. But it does make me a little sad for myself knowing he's got so much and I have so much yet to achieve. One day... one day.

I often wonder if I'm doing this for the right reasons, too. Part of me wants a baby (and if I'm 120% honest with myself here) because I want to show him that I can move on too, and move on further than he can! Yes, there is a very small part of me that feels that. That's my vindictive streak coming through. And I'm ashamed to feel that. Ashamed that a part of me is trying to conceive because I want to hurt someone else. It's a ridiculous, childish feeling, because what difference would it make to him, anyway? I guess, while I might be over our relationship together, I'm not 100% over him achieving the one goal I've spent my life gearing up for. One of the main ingredients in what I class as a Successful, Fulfilled Person. The others being - a happy partnership, a career and a house. Mind you, I class this as a Successful Person because this is what I want for myself. Mostly, though, I want family.
Which leads me to my second reason that could be suspected of selfishness; I want a family because I have always felt so alone and unwanted. I've always felt on the outside of things, and not as important to those I love as they are to me. And I guess in a lot of ways, having a baby means I can lavish my love upon them and be assured that they will love me back, regardless of my faults. Is that selfish? I'm not sure, at the moment I'm wondering what the reasons are that anyone would want a baby. Other than the continuation of a family line, anyway. It feels to me like it's the one thing that will make my heart stop bleeding, as melodramatic as that sounds. Some days I'm so bursting with love, it's hard to bare - and there's only so much love you can give a pet. Especially a cat! With every major relationship, I've had that feeling of "I want your baby". But none so badly as I've felt with Adrian. Is that because I got pregnant that time? When we were first together? I think about that baby every day. Wondering if the reason I can't seem to fall pregnant now is because I terminated a pregnancy I wanted back then. At the time (and I say this all the time, I could say it until my mouth dries up and it would still be true... but it doesn't take away the guilt), it was The Right Thing To Do. And I will forever defend my actions. Because I DID believe it to be the right thing to do. Do I regret it now, though? Every day. Every single day. If I went back in time to those days, would I do things differently? I'm not so sure. Because I'm not sure that Adrian and I would survive a baby that was unplanned for. Not when he was so dead-set against it. It would be much better, for both of us - if a baby was wanted by both of us. And while Adrian isn't as keen as I am (what man is, honestly??!), he does want one. With me.
My third reason that could also be suspect? Because I need my life to change. Completely. I need my life to be about someone else, I need to focus my energies on something more than me, more than us, more than just our day to day living. I need... a purpose. A cause. Something to believe in, something to fight for, something to love, to nurture, to protect and give all my heart, experience and life to. Is that a bad reason? Again, I'm unsure. I don't know what the right reasons for having a child should be. I know what the really wrong reasons are - to have a child to keep a man, to have a child to get more money, to have a child because you can, to have a child because you're expected to, to have a child because you like the attention... they're all really wrong reasons. Doesn't necessarily mean you'll be a bad parent (although some of them seem to indicate that, don't they!!).
I don't just want a baby. I want Adrian's baby. I want a little boy who looks just like him. Or a little girl who looks like the two of us! But, I remember wanting a little boy who looked like Che, also. I was so in love with him, I wanted something of us to care for and protect. But I also knew it would be a very bad idea to get pregnant to him. I knew that if I did, I would have to either get rid of it, or leave him. We were poisonous together - and he couldn't help but hurt me and weaken me. I am not a weak person, I am a strong, capable person. I should not be around people who smother me like that. And he did smother me - not in a loving way, but in a controlling way. So that would have been wrong. But I knew that! The whole time! So does that mean I'm doing things right this time? Adrian will be a wonderful father, I think. He's a wonderful man, I can't see how he could ever be a bad father. He could possibly be a little hard on our child, though - but that's something we can discuss before the possible child was born. I don't know, I could be selfish, but - then you could say all mothers start out quite selfish. I mean, I think we all want a child because of that love you share with them. Is that wrong? No. I've decided, no, it's not wrong. Love is what makes us human. It's what makes us humane. It's what makes us GOOD. Without love, how can you ever hope to be a good person?

Anyway, I think I just had to let that little secret out. I think Maiya is beautiful, and she really is starting to look like her mother. Quite possibly looks like Che around the eyes. I am truly happy for the two of them, and I hope everything works out for them. I just hope that one day I'll finally get what I want so much out of life, and my real life can begin. Everything before it will just seem like the necessary lessons need to learn in order to be a better parent. I am so ready for it.

-Miranda