Ridiculous Thoughts

I think it's time for me to look at myself in the mirror and really question what I see. I know I'm overweight - but as I still have curves and I still have a figure, I've never believed it was a serious problem. Until now. It's been over 8 months - almost 9 months, actually - since Adrian and I started trying for a baby. Considering we're both still young, and both fertile (I've been pregnant to him twice), I have to start facing facts. I am overweight. More than overweight. I am very overweight. My BMI classes me as obese, although I still have trouble accepting this. My view of obesity doesn't seem to include my body type. Or as I've viewed it, anyhow. As of today, I weight 87kg. I'm 5'2. That's a lot of weight to carry on such a small frame, isn't it. *sigh* How did I get this far?? I mean, I know the theory behind it, but honestly - how did I end up so SO defeated? I started out two months ago trying to lose weight - trying to eat right, exercising every day, going to the gym twice a week - and lately I've done nothing. I've not put on weight. I've not lost it. I've stayed the same. And now another failure. We really did try this month - although there were two occasions where I thought I might have been ovulating and no hanky-spanky was made. Possibly that is the reason why I'm not pregnant now - although, I'm sure we got in there at the right time at least once... I'm so disappointed - more so, I'm so depressed. And obsessed! And oh so ashamed to think the reason might be because - I eat more than I use. It's so easy to do here. But there's no excuse - I know what I have to do to make things right. Why is it so hard to keep myself motivated??? I have really really good days where I get things done, I work hard - and I'm so much happier in life and within myself on these days. Why do I not do so all the time? I want to be a good girlfriend, I want to have a clean home, I want to have a healthy, happy, sexual relationship - which I do... mostly. Except for me. Except for me. Am I depressed again? Is that why I can't seem to get out of bed in the morning, why I can't seem to generate enough energy to do anything? Why I lash out at Adrian every day he comes home from work? I feel guilty for not doing anything all day while he's been slaving away at a job that doesn't pay anywhere nearly what he's worth. Yet I don't do anything about it - instead I direct my guilt on him. Why do I do that? And what's worse - he takes it, and he shouldn't! I start fights because I'm so unhappy with myself. Just like I blame everything on this town and the people in it - it's not your location that limits you. Kade has shown me that - you can do what you want, no-one can truly stop you. No-one is holding me back except me. Why do I do that? Seems ridiculous, like so many things we do to ourselves. But why *am* I doing it?? I know I'm doing it, that's the most ridiculous thing! I don't want to fail. I don't want to be a failure. I know I have so much to offer, yet I don't do anything about it. I need to treat myself better. And I need to treat Adrian better. He deserves better. When I'm better, he's better. Seriously, we feed off each other, and because I've been lazy and unmotivated, he has been also. I say I'm a strong person, but I'm being so weak at the moment. I know I want a baby, but I shouldn't be holding my breath for that positive result. I should be working hard to achieve my other goals. Like getting my body back. Adrian may like the way I am, but I sure don't. And it affects the way I live. It affects the way I dress. It affects the way I act. It affects the way I am with him. I don't want him to look at me naked. I don't want him to touch my... tumbly places. I'm better than this, man - I've come through so much, yet here I am, letting myself fall. I don't know if this has something to do with losing my baby or having granddad die suddenly - or both. Maybe this is grief or whatever. I wish there was some way I could get counselling. I think I probably have things I need to get off my chest - and you know me (well, you don't anonymous Internet Monster - but you might guess), I just can't seem to get things out to the people who really care. Or, rather - I seem to let the things that are really getting to me slide back inside for no-one to see. Yes, I bottle. Can't help it - never seem to believe that anyone would want to know. And the few times I do venture out and talk about things, I always seem to choose the wrong person, and regret ever saying anything. Are my feelings that alien? Do I whinge that much? I don't know. I always feel so alone. Like... no-one understands. Depression is a bit like being stuck in adolescence, isn't it?!! Ridiculous. Corr, used that word a few times in this blog.
Ridiculous that I'm sitting here in the dark (because my light bulb blew), the sink is full of dishes that Adrian never finished (as usual), and I'm crying in front of my computer because I'm FAT and not pregnant yet. So counter-productive. I should be outside, running around in the dark in the hopes I can outrun my fat arse. Hahahaha. Oh, so depressingly true. Instead, I'll sit here and crack jokes about it. Fuck, I don't know what it is about mornings - I could have a million coffees to wake myself up, yet I'll still be yawning an hour later, and the coffee would have given me the shits. Cos it does. Which is why I rarely drink it. I'm sure you wanted to know. And inside my head, the whole time I've been writing about my weight issues, I keep crying out "But I'm not that fat!!!" - just because my waist still goes in, because my tummy doesn't stick out THAT much, because I don't look atrociously massive and all consuming like the contestants from Biggest Loser. For all I know, I might be so down and low in energy lately because I am that fat. For all I know, my eyes lie to me, and refuses to see how big I truly am. No-one close to me is going to tell me I'm ridiculously overweight. Except granddad. He would always let me know. Fat-fat-the-water-rat. That's what he used to sing to me. Except now I think he might have been the only person who was truly honest. And where the hell is Minnie in all of this??! I sent her an email weeks ago that she still hasn't answered. I'm not important anymore now that she's travelling all over the place - and the sad thing is, I really miss her. I miss all my friends. God, this blog is turning into a big whingefest. Hence the reason why I use THIS blog to really whinge and cry rather than the other one. This stuff is so much more personal.

Anyway, I've indulged my pity-party (population= 1) for far too long. But I feel a little lighter for it. I just have to... work harder. Get back on the bandwagon. I was doing so well - just have to work harder. Every month I get only one red line, I just have to work harder the next month. No alcohol, nothing. I have to stick to the rules, cos maybe that's where I've been going wrong.

And creativity - what the fuck? I have so much I can do with my time, creativity wise. Why am I not doing it? I could be writing poetry, writing songs like I used to rather than just blogs. What is a blog anyway? No-one wants to read these - except my friends, maybe. This is just for my benefit, really. Counselling myself. Via blog. Long, spindly, spinster blogs about how I've wasted my life on so many wrong men (two), and I wish I'd met Adrian sooner. For fucks sake, I'm living my life through my pregnant cat. What happens if something goes wrong there? Will I cope with the heart-break? Why is it I feel more motivated and ready to tackle life at night? I wish I was a morning person. Seriously - Adrian wakes up at 5am every morning - even on the weekend! I wish I could do that. Occasionally I can, but mostly - I can't. I find it hard to get out of bed before 9am these days. I guess that makes a change from my student days when I found it hard to get out of bed before 10am on a weekend. I just have to resolve to do better. That's the bottom line. I have to do better.

And what the fuck, man??! Why the hell am I NOT doing music stuff??!! I live with a fucking awesome guitarist!! We keep saying we'll try and do something together, but we never do. Well, now that Nijel has moved out, we should do something. We've got the time (we can make time), we've got the privacy. I don't know why I'm so shy about sharing lyrics and melodies with Adrian. He'd only ever be honest - and always gently so. *sigh* Why do we make plans upon plans upon plans... but never seem to follow them through? A ridiculous waste of potential.

I love you mum.
I wish they had telephones in heaven. I wonder how much Telstra would charge for a phonecall to heaven? Would that be considered an international call??!
xxx
.m.