Maybe?

Possibly?
It's possible. I have to wait to find out, and it's the waiting that's excruciating. If only it was like switching on a light bulb : *Click* Pregnant. *Click* Not Pregnant. *Click* Pregnant. Every day since I got my period last month, I've been wondering if I'll ever BE pregnant. And then I wonder about the termination. Was that my one and only hope? I feel guilty about it, obviously - the words "I'm being punished" keep floating around my head. I remember my mother saying the reason she lost so many babies was because she was "being punished" for having two abortions early in life. At the time, it seemed ridiculous that a god would punish the taking of life by... taking more life. Seems counter-productive, doesn't it? But there's always been a very deep-seeded fear in my heart that... I might not be able to get pregnant. That I might not be a mother. I'm always in the process of telling myself to calm down, it's only been one month. It will take more than just one go, it always does when you're trying. Besides, I could be pregnant right now. My period isn't due until the 23rd, I've got a while to keep trying. Evil biological clocks. Evil. Impatient, demanding, desperate biological clocks. Adrian doesn't get it. He keeps telling me "don't stress! It'll happen!". But he doesn't know how it feels. This constant pressure, this constant feeling of running out of time, that one day it'll be too late, and I'll only ever be... me. There will always been that painful, aching gape in my heart. Sometimes I feel I've left it too long. I think about that baby I terminated. Lately, I've been thinking about it a lot. The only reason Adrian agreed to try for a baby - because otherwise I wouldn't have terminated the last one. Because otherwise, we'd have a baby already. I think about that a lot. And I worry.

But I'm being good this time. Trying to keep stress-free. Trying to remain calm. Eating better, sleeping better. Trying to lull this ceaseless, panicking biological clock into a quiet drowsiness. If only. Maybe this time. Truly. Maybe this time.

.m.